We were planning on writing our own HILARIOUS version of this day but.... Doug did such a good job we are stealing his words. This is the note/email they sent to their friends and relatives and sums things up rather nicely (and humorously).
Hello to everyone who would have joined us for the signing of our marriage certificate - had it not been completed and filed in the middle of an east African jungle!
We are writing because we officially did it. And by it, we mean finish the several month ordeal to become “married,” which in Uganda includes public postings, card games, dowries, typewriters, the verbal dictation of your own marriage certificate, and forced religious ceremonies within the walls of what appears to be a roofless barn.
Our original plan was the quickly and effortlessly secure a marriage certificate so that we could simplify the legality of getting Doug back into the States to enable a real celebration of our marriage with all of you. As we should know by know, “quickly and effortlessly” aren’t words that tend to exist in Uganda. We’re sending this to all of you now so that you know how much we love you, miss you and would have loved for you to be a part of the actual signing of our marriage certificate. As the day of signing the certificate began and unfolded, we wished even more fervently that you all were there to experience the hilarity of the day that ensued. For now, we are happy to report that we are legally married with the piece of paper to prove it. But we won’t consider ourselves officially married until we’ve had a chance to hug each of you in a choking Doug/Lisa sandwich hug and tell you that you have been a part of this process with us from the beginning, even if we were on another continent for the legal and much less important bits of it. Our “wedding” will be when we see all of you this fall, whether it be over dinner, drinks, or a night of sleeping on your couch.
So let’s begin.
After a wild pre-signing-the-marriage-
Lisa leaves the room and before preparing their usual porridge and egg feast, presents her spiffily betrothed Brazilian to the house full of anxiously waiting volunteers (all of the female gender); it was, after all, Doug’s special day, and he was ready to be admired and treated like a princess. Fed, caffeinated and medicated (Doug is fighting off a nasty case of Brucella from some funky cheese he ate), the couple went to the yard for an impromptu photo shoot amongst the hanging laundry, banana trees, and curious onlookers from the road who were, as usual, wondering what in the hell the crazy white people were doing in their yard. Due to the lack of testosterone in the couple’s current household, their female volunteers served as stand-in bouquet pickers, collar straighteners, garder (aka a headband) providers, photographers, and groomsmen. As you will shortly see, the couple attempted to replicate all possible permutations of prenuptial photographic requirements expected of any westernized marriage-bound pair. They just did theirs with cows around.
Suddenly they hear gravel crunching on the road by the house. Is it a herd of goats? Is it truck full of avocadoes? Is it a swarm of children running to harass their dog? No! It’s Carolyn (partner organization’s volunteer coordinator) arriving with a borrowed car to usher the couple to the Bududa District headquarters! The hoard of volunteers hop onto motorcycles to meet at the District, and into the car Doug, Lisa and Carolyn go. Doug is behind the wheel for the first time in a year, and off they go with plenty of time before their previously scheduled 10:00 am appointment for what they expected to be the simple and easy signing of a civil marriage certificate.
Right?
10:03 am
Couple arrive at Bududa District Headquarters.
10:04 am
Lisa (to receptionist): Good morning, we are here for our appointment with the Chief Administrative Officer (aka the CAO, pronounced “cow”).
Receptionist: He’s not here.
Lisa: (Outward) WHAT? (Inward) What the F%#&8 mother f*&%#$ piece of %#$@!
Receptionist: He is at a meeting in Mbale (about 1hr away). Maybe you come back Monday.
Doug: Umm, I’ll be right back. (Exits stage Right to find man who confirmed our appointment).
10:07 am
Doug: Ok, the CAO’s representative is coming from Mbale right now. They told me he should be here in 30 minutes or so.
11:37 am
Doug, to receptionist: So, any word from the CAO’s representative?
Receptionist: Yes, he’ll be here in 30 minutes or so.
Doug: Right…
12:06 pm
Lisa: There’s beer in the car, want to split one while we wait?
Doug: I hate warm beer. Ok.
12:40 pm
Volunteers: We’re hungry. We’re going to go try to find some fried dough to eat. Do you guys want some?
Lisa (in car with empty beers bottles): Sure, why not.
Doug: Mmmm, bring me two!
12:57 pm
Doug: I wouldn’t have thought that fried dough went with warm beer, but you know what? Not bad!
Lisa: I know, right?
1:18 pm
Lisa, to receptionist: Hi, just checking in again. Has the representative arrived?
Receptionist: Yes, he has been here for some time, maybe 10 minutes.
Lisa: Of course he has.
Receptionist: He’ll be right with you, just keep waiting outside.
1:39 pm
Doug, going into CAO’s representative’s office: Hello sir, I’m just wondering when I can get married today.
CAO Rep: Oh yes, I was just coming to get you.
Doug: Uh huh, can I bring my wife in?
CAO Rep: Yes, yes, please, bring her, your Matron of Honor and your Best Man.
1:39:24 pm
Doug, to female volunteers on porch: Ok, I need a best man and a matron of honor, now. Who’s in?
Kristen and Michelle: Pick me, pick me!
Doug: Done, let’s go!
1:40 pm
Entourage attempts to enter office of CAO Rep
CAO Rep: No, please. I only want the four.
Other volunteers linger in doorway, filming the proceedings from cracks of the door.
CAO Rep begins shuffling papers.
1:50 pm
Doug: Sir….what exactly do you need us for?
CAO Rep: Oh yes, yes. Please write your name on this sheet of paper. Yes, there. Now your profession….now your father’s name….now his profession….Ok good, now the Best Man?
Michelle: That’s me!
CAO Rep: (silence)
Michelle: I write here?
CAO Rep: Um, well, yes.
1:55 pm
(after Michelle, Lisa and Kristen, Lisa’s default Matron of Honor write their info)
CAO Rep: Ok, yes, just wait outside now.
2:15 pm
CAO Rep: Alright, we have only now to manually type your information onto this marriage certificate. We must do this on a typewriter because the certificate paper is large and cannot be made on a computer. Just give us a few moments.
2:38 pm
CAO Rep: Mr. Doug, come here please. (Doug approaches) There is a small problem.
Lisa and Doug: (Inward) What the F%#&8 mother f*&%#$ piece of %#$@!
CAO Rep: The typewriter we normally use is broken. We must go to a village just up the way to type the certificate.
Doug: Ok, where do I need to go?
CAO Rep: Yes please, my assistant here will show you the way.
Lisa: We have the car!
Doug (to Lisa): Ok, you stay here, we’ll go find a typewriter.
2:39 – 3:14 pm
Lisa and volunteers play Uno on the District Headquarters steps.
Doug:
· Drives to neighboring village
· Picks up the typewriter – who is not a machine, but a woman called Mary – a secretary at a local school.
· Discovers that the typewriter at the school is also broken.
· Convinces Mary to leave work and type his marriage certificate on the machine she says she has at her house.
· Drives Mary to her house.
· Steps over Mary’s sister cooking on the floor and helps Mary lift her ancient typewriter from her bedroom onto the kitchen table.
· Gingerly hands Mary the only two copies of the blank marriage certificate forms that he has and the handwritten notebook paper sheet on which Doug, Lisa, the best man and the matron of honor wrote their names, professions, fathers’ names, and fathers’ professions.
· Watched as Mary messed up the first form.
· Almost soils himself.
· Dictates letter by letter the relevant information to Mary for second and final copy of marriage certificate.
· Receives invitation by Mary to stay for lunch but politely refuses.
· Gives Mary transport money so she can get back to work.
· Drives himself and the CAO’s Rep’s assistant to the District.
· Congratulates himself on having filmed the entire experience.
3:15 pm
Doug: Here are the typed marriage certificates; the first one is not so good.
CAO Rep: Yes please. Please just wait outside.
3:28 pm
CAO Rep, holding stapled packets of paper: Please, Mr. Doug and Lisa, review these documents and then we can begin the proceedings.
3:29 pm
Doug: You have got to be kidding me…
Lisa: Is this a script?
Doug: Yup, of a Catholic wedding ceremony.
Lisa, reading: “Dear beloved, we are gathered here in the presence of God to witness the marriage of Doug and Lisa (in bold) to ask his blessing on them and to share in their joy. Our lord Jesus Christ was a guest at the wedding to Cana of Galille, and through His spirit, he is with us now.”
Doug: Well, shoot, if I would have known Jesus was attending….
Lisa, skipping ahead: Check this out! “Proclamation of the newly weeded couple?????”
Doug: Weeded?
Lisa: Weeded.
Doug: Look, we have lines written out for us….and instructions!
Lisa: According to this, it says “Groom uncovers bride’s veil….the registrar receives the bride’s right hand from hands of her brother and places it in the bridegroom’s right hand.”
Doug: Michelle, up for being Lisa’s brother?
3:37 pm
Doug, Lisa, her brother and Doug’s best man Michelle, her Matron of honor Kristen, and the remaining volunteers enter the secretly hidden wedding venue buried within the Bududa District Headquarters. Décor included a stage with a large table on it, stacks of old tires, lawn chairs, and a distinct lack of glass on the windows or a ceiling.
CAO Rep stands behind table and instructs the “congregation” to sit. Ceremony begins including such highlights as:
- Volunteers: “Hold hands, you two!” CAO Rep: “No, do not hold hands yet.”
- Random Ugandan bystanders enter and quickly fill the room.
- Doug (reading from script Lisa is holding up to his face): “I take you Lisa…etc….till death do us part.” CAO Rep: “That wasn’t loud enough. The congregation didn’t hear you.” Doug: “But I said it to Lisa and she heard me.” CAO Rep: “Say it again.” Doug: “Fine, but this time I’m doing it with flare!”
- Doug: kisses Lisa. CAO Rep: “You can’t do that yet. It is not time for it according to the program.”
- CAO Rep: After making the proclamation of the Newly Weeded Couple, Doug and Lisa are instructed that now they can kiss. Which they do. With a little tongue.
- And finally, at the finale of the ceremony, CAO Rep: “And now you may go forth and reproduce.” Doug turns to congregation: “I’m going to reproduce!!!” Congregation blinks awkwardly, then cheers.
3:46 pm
Doug and Lisa sign the marriage certificate that Doug basically typed. Best man Michelle signs. Matron of honor Kristen signs. CAO Rep stamps the certificate and says, “Now you’re done.”
3:47 pm
Doug and Lisa exit building to a face full of rice pelted at them by exuberant volunteers. On looking Ugandans, as usual and like that morning, wonder what in the hell the crazy white people are doing.
4:00 pm
Doug and Lisa hop in a car for the honeymoon in Kampala at the US Embassy to file Doug’s green card application.
In summary, from 10:00 am – 4:00 pm on July 7th, 2011, Doug and Lisa were weeded in the eyes of God and a cow.
THE END
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